Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I discovered something today. I have a MySpace account. OK, so I already knew that. But I logged on to it today for the first time in over 2 years. I decided I don't really need to be on MySpace anymore so I deleted it. But before I did I copied a few blog posts I had there.

I've never claimed to be a poet. But on occasion I like to make words rhyme. I found this poem that I wrote in '07 at a time in my life when I was really feeling the stirring of God towards full time ministry. It was a precious sweet season in my life.

Just thought I'd share where my heart was then, and still dwells now...

I heard a call from Jesus,

"You've a purpose to fulfill"

So I'm following my Master,

I've no time to be still.

I heed Him when He beckons

I listen when He calls

Dropping everything I answer

Lest I lose my all in all.

Where He leads me I will follow

I trust He knows the way

Never stopping to consider

If I should go or stay.

To stay here would bring comfort

And to follow would bring fear

But my fears I will conquer

To my Lord, I must be near.

This uncharted journey

Is one amazing ride

It's filled with joy and laughter

With Jesus by my side.

He leads me to the captives

And lets me watch Him set them free

Reminding me without Him

That prison is where I'd be.

For a moment I'll stop and ponder

The amazement of it all

The closeness of my Savior

The wonder of His call.

But I've no time to linger

This life is but a breath

The prize so close before me

On the other side of death.

But while breath is in this body

And strength is in this hand

I'll run this race before me

Telling others of this Man

Who walked upon the waters

Who hung upon a cross

Who lay within a borrowed tomb

For me, for I was lost.

So if you hear Him calling

Don't hesitate or stall

For He longs to have you join us

As we journey one and all.

He'll never leave you or forsake you

He will guide your every way

He only asks you answer,

And follow Him today.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Act vs. Be


For me it conjures up many thoughts. Church. Naps. Long walks. Cuddle time with kids. I love Sundays.

For my husband Sunday means one thing… Steeler’s Football. Actually, for him, the Steeler’s game prep starts on Monday. Checking highlights from last week’s game, reading injury reports, talking to the guys about different plays, rehashing every call the refs made. At some point in the week he moves from reflecting on the previous game to anticipating the upcoming one. At that point he starts changing Fantasy Rosters, studying the other team, and initiating conversations with me about what Ben Roethlisberger should do differently this game.

Me on the other hand… I don’t mind watching the Steelers game. In fact, on occasion, I enjoy it. I can even pull off a mighty fine game watching outfit. I’ve got the Steelers t-shirt. I even own a Terrible Towel, and have been known to wave it when we score a touchdown. Oh… and I love Troy Polamalu. But not because of his talent on the field, it’s all about the hair!

The difference between my husband and I? I act like a good Steelers fan. He is a good Steelers Fan.

Act like a fan.

Be a fan.

I can’t help but wondering what other things in my life I act vs. be. I can act happy even when I’m not. I can act interested even when I’m not. I can act like I have it all together even when I don’t.

Sadly, I can even act like a good Christian. I know how to play the part. I know all the right answers. I can fit in with all the right crowds. I’m comfortable sitting in church or debating theology.

But I don’t want to act like a Christian.

I want to be one.

I want to look like Jesus. Dress like Jesus. Talk like Jesus.

I want to be like Jesus.

And being like Jesus cannot be acted. It must be genuine. Being like Jesus means less striving, more resting. Less rule following, more relationship building. Less trying, more surrendering.

And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. This is the new, life-giving way that Christ has opened up for us through the sacred curtain, by means of his death for us. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Heb. 10:19-23

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Here’s the thing about blogging that I’ve realized this week. Blogging doesn’t necessarily paint an accurate picture of me. Even though my goal is to be transparent, and in my transparency I often share things that are painful, I still choose what and when to share.

So if the only interaction you ever have with me is from what you read in my blog or what you hear me say on-air then the picture you will have of me will not be an accurate representation of who I really am. If, on the other hand, you happen to live in my house, share a workspace with me, or be a certain fake redhead who just won’t let me hide behind my filter, then the odds are good that you know me.

Take the last nine days of my life for example. There have been no blog updates and very few facebook updates. Why? Because I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in my head. Why? Because I can’t even make sense of what’s going on in my head. And it’s not even that things are bad. I’m not depressed. I’m not stressed. I’m not overwhelmed, or mad, or in despair. I’m just blah. And I hate blah. Blah is not me. I’m deep. Passionate. A bit crazy even. But lately I’m just… “whatever”.

So, I’ve been avoiding you. Not just you, but everyone. I’ve been quiet. Withdrawn. Pulled back. Stand-offish. Even with God.

I keep thinking “I need to blog”. But then I realize I have nothing to say. So I don’t.

I still don’t have anything to say, except this…

I want to be real.

I want to be fully alive.

I want to embrace life and love without measure.

Right now my “want” and my “am” are not lining up. Right now I am needy. Right now I am tired. Right now I am living in the fog. But I will not stay here. He is calling to me. Reawakening me. Wooing me.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with God? These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. Psalm 42

Let it be so with me, Lord. Let it be.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

One Thing

I love to play solitaire. Last night I played with cards. Remember those? It’s what we used to play with before there were computers and smart phones.

I take my card games a bit too seriously. Once I get started I’m extremely focused. And if I get stuck… let’s just say it’s not pretty. In my mind every game of solitaire is winnable, so if I can’t figure it out I get really frustrated.

Lately, whenever I feel really stuck I always stop to take another close look and I think to myself, I just need one move. If I can find one move it could change the entire outcome of the game. And it works. I can go from thinking I’m going to lose to being on a roll after finding just one move.

Lately my life has felt a bit like a solitaire game gone awry. I feel stuck. Like I just can’t win. I feel like there’s too much that needs to be done. And it’s overwhelming at times.

I make some pretty grand lists. Seriously, you’d be impressed. I’ve even been known to make color coordinated Excel spreadsheets with charts and graphs on how I’m going to fix my life. But they never work. I can’t ever find the motivation to start on my 101 step process to freedom. So I quit before I ever start and wind up right back where I started… stuck and overwhelmed.

But what if God doesn’t want me to enroll in a 100 step program? What if He’s not wanting me to get my entire house spotless and laundry done in one afternoon? Or overcome my area of struggle in one morning prayer time. What if He just wants me to do one thing? To find one move? To take one step?

That I can do.

What about you? Do you feel stuck? Overwhelmed? Like you’re losing? What one thing can you do today to change the game?

I’ll go first… I have a long term on-again off-again relationship with mild depression. Over the years I’ve learned my triggers and also what is most effective for stopping depression in its tracks. My “quick fix” is worship. It snaps me out of it. But the last week instead of snapping out of it, I’ve been embracing it. Wallerin’ in it really. (I know wallerin’ isn’t a real word, but I’m sticking with it) So today I’m breaking out my worship playlist!

Now… your turn! What one thing can you do today?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

God Sized Dreams

My friend Holley and I have been having an ongoing conversation about God Sized Dreams. Today I'm sharing about my biggest obstacle in chasing my dreams... fear. Join me on Heart to Heart with Holley for the rest of the story!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I have three daughters. Yesterday they were little babies and today they are young women, just a few short years from spreading their wings and leaving my nest. I have big dreams for my girls- God Sized Dreams! I believe with all of my heart that they can, with God’s ever present help, do amazing things with their lives.

But, it’s not enough for me to have dreams for my daughters, unless I also have dreams for myself.

You see… I’m a trailblazer.

I grew up in a home shattered by divorce and void of talk of God and dreams. I was loved and I was nurtured, but I never saw the women around me fly… so I never believed I could either.

Until I was a teenager and fell head over heels in love with Jesus. He not only saved me, He also planted a dream in my heart and whispered to me in the quiet hours of the night… “I believe in you! Spread your wings and fly!”

And so I did. Tentatively at first, with fear gripping my heart. Then I became stronger, steadier… occasional storms still send me back to the nest, but never for long. I just can’t ignore His call… “Come fly with me.”

I fly for Him and Him alone.

But I know He’s not the only one who watches me.

My nearly grown daughters have watched me fly... and fall... and fly again. They have seen me jump off of ledges and cry out for Jesus to save me.

And in watching they too have begun to dream. They too long to fly. They too can’t wait to soar.

I know one day soon they will fly higher than I dare. But I will not stop flying and dream through them. I will keep flying. I will dream with them. I will spur them on to higher heights and greater dreams.

I will blaze a trail for the daughters to follow.

Marianne Williamson wrote in her beautiful poem Our Deepest Fear:

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Girls, it’s time to shine! It’s time to fly! For our daughters, for the ladies in our small groups, for the women we work with, for the new mom, for the lost teenager! They are watching, waiting and hoping… hoping that YOU will blaze a trail!

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Cor. 11:1