Abandonment

The last few months I’ve been fighting an overwhelming sadness about my children growing up. It’s like I’m being followed by a dark cloud that constantly reminds me that my time with them is almost over. It’s been such a strong message to my heart that I’ve subconsciously pulled away from them, protecting my heart from the separation to come.

Last night my husband called me on the carpet. I didn’t even realize how my heart was feeling, but he, in great wisdom, suddenly turned to me and said “You know, they’ll always be your girls. Just because your mom abandoned you doesn’t mean that you will abandon them.” Ouch. Sometimes the truth hurts. Always the truth heals. And my heart is both hurting and healed this morning.

Hurting for the little girl in me who still can’t process the why. Healed because of a God that’s big enough to give me lasting relationships with my own girls. Relationships that won’t be severed at 15, or 18, or any age.

God has done a lot of healing between my mom and I. And I am so thankful for the relationship that we have now. But nothing can bring back the years when things weren’t good… when she was absent in my life… the milestones of teenagehood that I walked through alone. And twenty years later it still hurts. Not all the time, and not to the degree that it did when it was fresh and raw… but it does still hurt.

The truth is… no child should ever have to process divorce or abandonment. But they do. The good news is… there is healing. For my heart, for my relationships, and for my future.

Light and Shadow

(I promised more on Vegas... I got distracted, but here's my final thought)

The only difference between what happens in Sin City and what happens in my small town is location.

In Vegas sin takes place right out in the open, on street corners and public spaces. Here sin takes place in the shadows.

OK, so there aren't prostitutes on every street corner and strip clubs at every turn. But we have our fair share of sin. A national report just concluded that the state I live in tops the list for consumption of on-line pornography.

Sin is everywhere. Some communities just do a better job hiding it than others.

Or... we allow it to be in the open, we just don't call it sin. We call it gossip, or white lies, or looking out for ourselves. But God doesn't make distinctions between different kinds of sins. They all separate us from Him, they all damage our souls.

Here, in Northwest Arkansas, I may be able to hide my sin from you. But I cannot hide if from God. He sees. He knows. And He cares.

He cared enough to do something about it. The question is: What will I do? Will I accept the freedom He purchased for me and go and sin no more? Or will I reject the freedom He offers and continue to hide in the shadows.

Pursuit... Part 2

(there will be more on Vegas... but today a side trip to expand on a previous thought)



In my last blog I made the statement that we were created to chase. And I believe it's true. Scripture confirms it. We all run after something.





Yesterday I was challenged by a scripture in 2 Sam. 18 "Come what may, I want to run." The person speaking those words had been discouraged from running. But still, he wanted to run. He knew he had to do what was in his heart regardless of whether his running was accepted by others, or if it meant running alone.





I too am called to run. God has put a passion in my heart that simply will not go away. This passion calls to me to leave the comfort of the sidelines and chase after Him.





It's hard sometimes. I'm a baby. In the physical world I can guarantee that you will never see me running (unless there's a very angry mama bear chasing me). I hate to run. Running involves work, effort, and my least favorite thing... sweat! Yuck!





In my spiritual life, sadly, I am much the same. I want to run for God. But, when the going gets tough, I'm looking for a hammock and a glass of lemonade.





Is it too much to just want a break? A little time out? A recovery period?





In the midst of my questioning I stumbled across this in Hebrews:

"Let us strip off every weight that slows us down especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Those who follow you, though they are weak and lame will not stumble and fall but will become strong."

Tired hands


Shaky legs





Yep. That pretty much sums it up. I'm tired, my faith is shaken. And all I want to do is sit on the sidelines. But I can't. Because I'm called to run this race. There are people following. And I have to take a new grip and stand firm.





The good news... God promises that we will not stumble and fall, but we will become stronger. If we don't quit running.





I have to confess... I hate the sweat, I hate the leg cramps, I hate that sometimes I have to run all by myself. But I can't stop running. Because in the running I find joy. I find life. I find my reward.

Pursuit…

(more thoughts from Vegas)





One thing you can’t help but notice in Vegas is the pursuit. Pursuit of what? Well, I’m not sure. I don’t even think the people pursuing it know what it is that they are chasing. But they chase it none the less.


Whether it was alcohol, gambling, sex, or entertainment everyone seemed to be in pursuit. Crowds of people spending thousands of dollars searching for… something. Something to satisfy them. And unable to find it they continued their pursuit… to the next slot machine, the next drink, the next club. And on and on and on.


Except for me. There was no pull for me to gamble, to drink, to indulge. Because I’ve found the object of my pursuit. He lives and reigns in my heart. And while the lures of this word may still entice me, they have no hold on me. I can tell them “no”. I can walk away from temptation, completely satisfied in Christ alone.


Millions of people chase after things and experiences because there is a longing in their heart for something they can’t explain. I chase after God because He has filled the longing in my heart in ways I can’t explain.


Our hearts were created to be filled. We have the choice of what we fill them with, but anything we choose outside of God will quickly leave us filling empty and longing for more.


It seems as if we were created to chase. And if we have to spend our lives pursuing something… I plan on pursuing Him.

A stripper pole and a cross

This week I was in Vegas for work. We stayed at a Hotel with a casino (I’m pretty sure that all hotels in Vegas have casinos). After a very long day of walking I decided to do one of my favorite things while vacationing…. people watch. If you love to people watch as much as I do then you MUST go to Vegas! Wow!

The Mezzanine level of the hotel overlooked the casino floor and was dotted with posh couches, the perfect place to rest my feet and indulge my eyes. As I scanned the casino floor lights and sound assaulted me. People were everywhere! From every walk of life. It was chaos.

As I continued to scan the room my eyes landed on something I wasn’t expecting... a dancer and a stripper pole. I immediately averted my eyes, but then I heard a gentle whisper, “Look at her”.

I assure you; I had no desire to look at the girl in the sequined hot pants and push-up bra hanging from a pole. But sure enough I heard it again, “Look at her”.

“God, why on earth would you want me to look at her?”

“Because I love her. Because I think she’s beautiful. I love her just like I love you.”

Just like me. He loves her just like me.

And I tell you, I sat in that casino and cried. Cried for a girl who doesn’t know that someone loves her so much that He chose to be beaten, chose to be mocked and scorned, chose to hang on a bloody cross and die so that she might live.

As I cried for her with the realization of how much the Father wants to cover her with righteousness I noticed others... watching her. A young family man at the slots stealing glances. College co-eds whistling and clapping. A middle aged drunk sloshing his drink all over himself as he glared, glassy eyed.

And I thought God must be mad at them, lusting after his daughter like that. But then I realized… He loves them too. He loves them just like He loves me. Even though they’re lost and broken, searching for something to satisfy them, oblivious to their own depravity.

Jesus bled for them too.

It was midnight. The girl’s shift at the pole was over. I wanted so desperately to talk to her. To tell her about the man who loved her enough to die for her. I tried to find her, to follow her, but she disappeared. Another girl took her place. A new group of college co-eds, drunks, and dads moved closer to the bar. The music continued to play. The moment passed.

But I will always remember that moment, where a stripper pole and a cross met in my heart.

Broken

I'm broken.

That's hard to admit. But it's true.

It's nothing new. Hurtful words and broken promises cracked and shattered my heart.

When you look around you and find that you are surrounded by shards of glass you become fearful, timid.

My heart related to Humpty Dumpty.

He sat on a wall, had a great fall. And all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put him together again.

The same is true of me. I tried to put myself back together. I tried to let others put me back together. But nothing worked.

Exhausted we all gave up, me... the horses... the men.

That's when He came. The King Himself. He said He could put me back together, but it would take time. I would have to trust Him with all the broken pieces. I would have to give Him permission to poke and prod and fit the pieces back together.

It's painful stuff. Hurts sometimes. He says it's worth it. I think He's right.

I thought we were done. Recently I stepped back and looked at His work, it looked pretty good. I was impressed. Finally, we could move on.

But then... the rain came. And I realized that while I looked like I was just fine, there were cracks everywhere. Water spilled out faster than I could catch it.

I'm still broken.

But I'm better. No longer am I shattered shards of glass, now I am a vessel. Granted, I'm a cracked vessel, but a vessel none the less.

And this is where the healing begins. When you can admit the brokenness. When you can allow the light to penetrate the darkness.

He that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Phil. 1:6

Beautiful Ending

Beautiful Ending
Barlow Girl

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

So, I have to confess… I don’t know where to begin. All I know is that every time I hear this song something in me cries out to sit at the computer and pour out the pain in my heart. So here I sit. Full of thoughts, with no clue where to begin.

Several years ago I remember writing in my journal about how heartbroken I was at the news I had (once again) received about another minister who had fallen. The stronghold of sin had claimed another victim, and more of the people I loved were learning how to walk through the new reality of broken trust and shattered dreams.

My heart breaks now just thinking about it. Men and women that God had exalted to positions of leadership and influence, people I loved and respected, caught in their sin. And those of us who looked up to them left wondering… why did they fall?

The scariest thing to me is the knowledge that I am just one wrong choice away from the same reality. The truth is none of us are safe from sin. We will never overcome the fleshly desires of our heart. And when temptation meets opportunity each and every one of us have the potential to fall, and fall hard.

I understand the logistics of if. If you’re doing great things for God then the enemy will do everything he can to stop it. And what’s the quickest way to destroy a move of God? Ruin the integrity of the person leading the way. Trap the Pastor in sin, let the leader get caught in bondage, bring to light the musicians secret shame. We all know… nothing ruins a ministry like public humiliation.

So what do we do? How do we guard against the schemes of our enemy? How do we safeguard against the trap of sin?

Honestly… I don’t know. All I know is this, when I take my eyes off the cross and put them on ANYTHING else, I’m setting myself up for disaster. When I start to thing that I am above the temptation of sin, I’m walking right into a trap.

What is it that I want? What is it that I am going after? Is it fame? Fortune? Popularity? Recognition? Admiration? Love? Approval? Success? What is my goal? Because if my goal is anything but Christ… I- will- fall! He alone is able to keep me. And any sacrifice on my part, any price to stay in His arms, is worth it. Because…

At the end of it all I wanna be in Your arms

Nothing else matters.

So tell me… what is our ending? Will it beautiful?

Boldness

For years I’ve been praying for boldness. Confidence to speak God’s truth in any situation. To be honest, it’s something I’ve struggled with. I tend to run from even the faintest hint of confrontation. Usually I back down instead of speaking up.

This weekend I am teaching at a ladies gathering, and this week has been horrible!!! It’s been one hard thing after another. I feel like I’ve been attacked from every angle. It’s been physically and spiritually exhausting.

The other day I was talking to a friend at work about feeling like I had nothing to offer to these ladies, yet I had to go deliver the word of God with boldness. His words of wisdom to me…

“maybe you should speak to them from your brokenness”

Not 20 minutes later I was on the phone with a friend who always tells me what I need to hear, even when it’s not what I want to hear. I shared this little pearl of wisdom and he agreed. Yet also told me exactly what I’ve been wrestling to find the answer too…

there's a boldness that comes from arrogance and there is a boldness that comes from brokenness.

I can’t quit thinking about his words. I’ve known so many people who were bold in their faith, yet after spending time with them all I can think is that they are full of themselves and arrogant. Then… there are the people who have walked through trials and pain with Jesus and have a confidence that radiates from them. They are the people that I can’t wait to spend time with. When they talk I hang on their every word.

That is the boldness I want. Boldness that is birthed from my brokenness. Boldness that points to God’s mercy and grace, and not to my own strength.

God's words says that if we humble ourselves He will exalt us. The reverse is also true... if we exalt ourselves He will humble us! I pray that my confidence will always be a result of His power, never of my own.

There’s an old song that says “the only thing that’s good in me is Jesus”. It’s true. And that truth…

That I can boldly proclaim!

If My People...

Tonight we are airing an hour show about pornography addiction. This morning driving in to work I was praying about the show. And my heart was broken.

I don’t have a problem with the world’s obsession with pornography. (Don’t stone me just yet, let me explain) I’ve never really had a problem with sinners acting like… well, like sinners.

They’re in bondage, they are separated from God. They’re supposed to act wicked. We did too, before we were set free from our sin.

The slavery of pornography in the world hurts my heart because it separates people from God. Pornography in the church grieves my heart because we’ve been set free, yet we still choose to live as slaves.

“But YOU are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9

WE belong to God, they don’t. We are supposed to be different, set apart, holy. What does it say of our God when statistics show that the number of men and women who regularly view pornography is virtually the same for those in the church than those outside the church? What does it say of us when the divorce rate in the church is the same as the divorce rate outside the church? How are we any different than the world?

Time and time again, Old Testament and New, God warned his people against sexual sin. He hates it when the corruption of the world penetrates our churches. And it has. We have invited sin in our churches. Four out of every 10 pastors have confessed to visiting an adult web-site at least once a week. We have invited sin into our homes. Seven out of 10 men and 3 out of 10 women in the church have admitted viewing pornography at least once a week.

And it’s wrong.

It’s not wrong because it’s on a list of “unacceptable Christian behavior”. It’s wrong because it breaks the heart of a Holy God who died a painful death so that we could be set free.

“If MY people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14

If we want God to remove sexual sin from America it will not be done by us protesting certain movies, or writing letters to editors. It won’t be accomplished by us lambasting sexually saturated advertising. If we want God to heal our land then WE have to repent. We, God’s people, the church. God is not calling unbelievers to repentance; He is calling HIS CHILDREN to repentance.

We may never be able to rid the world of sexual immorality, but shouldn’t we at least be able to rid the church of it? And who knows, maybe if we were different, if we were set apart, maybe then the world would notice. And maybe then they’d listen to the Good News we have to share.

(you can throw your rocks now)

It's supposed to be Hard

Remember the movie from the early 90’s A League of Their Own? It’s about two sisters who join an all female baseball league during World War II. The older sister, played by Geena Davis, is by far the better player and soon becomes the star of the league. Her team is doing well and makes it to the league’s first World Series. Days before the series begins, her husband returns home from Germany after being wounded in the foot. By this time it is obvious that she loves baseball and is passionate about the game. Watching her play it is obvious that she was made for the game of baseball. When her husband returns home she decides to quit the league and return home without playing in the World Series. Her manager, played by Tom Hanks, tries to talk her into staying. He tells her that it’s obvious that she loves baseball and if she quits now she will live with a lifetime of regret. She answers, “It just got too hard.” At that moment he gets very serious and leans in closer and says, “It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.”

It’s supposed to be hard.

We live in a culture that says it’s supposed to be easy.

Grey hair? Nice ‘n Easy

Sagging skin? Two minute facial mask

Hungry? Hit the drive through

In a hurry? On-line banking

Tough boss? Get a new job

Failing marriage? Get a new spouse

Browse through the Sunday adds and over and over you’ll see it: Quick! Easy! Time saving! Oven ready! Just add water! Instant! Fully cooked!

Everything around us tells us life should be easy. Except the Word of God.

God’s Word tells us it’s supposed to be hard.

Wait. Pray. Seek. Persevere. Press.

Trust. Follow. Deny. Fight. Run.
Turn from sin. Crucify your flesh. Carry your cross.

Turn the other cheek. Give to the poor.

Love your enemies. Speak the truth.

According to the Bible life is hard. And I’ve noticed that the more you trust God, the bigger risks you take in following Him, the harder it gets.

Thursday night we will air a show dealing with a subject no one wants to talk about. We’re marching up to the gates of Hell and shining the Truth of the gospel on one of Satan’s most powerful strongholds. And it’s been HARD!

We’ve faced sickness, family crisis, equipment failure, and the list goes on and on.

Is it hard? Yes

Am I afraid? Shaking in my boots

Is it safe? Absolutely not

Is it worth it? Yes. Yes! A thousand times yes!

Why? Because it’s the hard that makes us lean on Jesus. It’s the hard that makes us bow our knee in surrender. It’s the hard that makes others pay attention. It’s the hard that brings forth fruit. It’s the hard that brings glory to Christ.

It’s the HARD that makes it GREAT!!!!

If my choice in life is easy and average or hard and great…. Lord, LET ME CHOSE HARD!!

Retreat... Surrender... Advance...

Retreat- the forced or strategic withdrawal of an army or an armed force before an enemy; the act of withdrawing, as into safety or privacy

Surrender- to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield

Advance- to move or go forward; proceed

I just returned from a four day retreat. Spiritual retreat, not military retreat. But I think there is something to be gleaned from these military terms.

After all, sometimes life feels like a battle that’s gotten out of control. At least it does for me.

So many times we see retreat as a sign of weakness. We didn’t have the strength to fight anymore so we had to withdraw. And… it’s true. Often times we don’t’ have the strength to keep fighting because we are weak. Why is that so hard to admit? That we need rest, we need to back away from the fight?

The truth is… unless we retreat we will never win. We will lie there on the battlefield battered and bleeding until the very life we are fighting for slips away.

The key to being a good Commanding Officer is being able assess the moral of his troupes to determine if the battle can continue or if he should sound the retreat. The key to being a good soldier is obedience to the orders of your Commanding Officer. When God tells us to retreat, then honey we need to high tail it off the battle field and look for a place to hide!

Which brings us to step two… surrender. When dealing with military terms surrender is the worst possible outcome of any battle. But, when dealing with our relationship with Christ, surrender is the absolute best possible outcome. It is only when we surrender fully and completely to Him that we can be ready to face the battle. And nine times out of ten surrender only happens in moments of retreat, in places of safety.

Once we allow ourselves to retreat and surrender something amazing happens. Peace that is unexplainable wraps its arms around us. Everything in us wants to stay in that place and never leave. But the purpose of retreat is not retirement. The purpose of surrender is not to stop. The purpose is to get back up and get back in the battle. Only this time, we don’t fight alone. Sometimes we don’t fight at all; we simply stand in amazement and watch the mighty hand of God fight on our behalf.

Where are you today?

Is the battle raging around you? Is your sword too heavy to carry anymore? Retreat!

Are you hiding in fear from the battle but still clinging to your rights, your plans, your desires? Surrender!

Are you in a place of peace and surrender, refusing to get back into the fight? Advance!

There are seasons for each of these places. Appointed times for each of us to retreat, surrender and advance. The cycle repeats itself often. Only when we are listening to His voice can we know where we are supposed to be. Enjoy each part of the journey. They are all equally sweet and equally necessary.

Retreat

It's Wednesday.

Tomorrow I leave town for 4 days to go hide. And let me tell you, it can't get here a moment too soon.

Several years ago I started setting aside a few days every year for a prayer retreat. Last year I didn't make it. I thought it was no big deal. I was wrong.

Life is busy. Crazy busy. My days start at 4am, I'm very rarely in bed before 9pm. My calendar is full. And life is just draining. No matter how hard you try to protect your sanity.

The though of 4 quiet days fills my heart with such a deep longing. It truly is the best thing I do all year.

So... I'm off. Today will be a whirlwind, tying up loose ends at work, packing, making sure there's food for the kiddos to eat while I'm gone. And then tomorrow.... Well, we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Can't wait!!

Have you ever gone on a prayer retreat? How did it change your life?

If you've never been on a retreat, what's stopping you? Time? Money? Responsibilities? Can you trust God to work it out for you? Every woman needs a time to refresh!

Come Play

The sun gently warms my skin, the wind, swirling, whispers “come play”.

I stand with toes in sand, ball of string in my hand, kite at my feet. The wind picks up pieces of my hair, gently dances across my skin enticing, alluring, “come play”.

I lift the kite in my hand, the wind catches it. They dance together. My kite and the wind.

Slowly I unwind string from the ball in my hand. “Higher! Higher!” the wind sings. “Further! Further!” the kite calls.

I unwind. Faster now. Loop after loop string passes through my open hand. Throwing my head back I laugh as I watch my kite skitter and glide across blue skies.

The ball of string grows small in my hand as the kite climbs higher and higher.

The wind changes course, the kite dives. Dark clouds rush in. The wind laughs. A sinister, mocking laugh. The kite pulls, fights, threatens to break away.

Digging my heals in the sand I struggle against the wind, against the kite.

Pulling, fighting, bleeding I try to reel it in. Tears mix with rain. Thunder and lightning. Darkness and shadow. And the kite… swirling, dipping, diving.

Footsteps. A hand. A warmth. Papa is here. He takes the string from my hand. My eyes turn away. Shame on my face.

“It’s OK” He whispers. To me.

“Be still” He whispers. To the wind.

Slowly I raise my eyes to His. He smiles. I smile. The kite slows, steadies. The winds whisper and dance. My hand rests in His. My head on His shoulder. And slowly He winds the string into a ball in His hands.

“We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Cor. 10:5

Thoughts are fickle things. So many of them are good. So many of them are dangerous. It’s fun to think of things we shouldn’t. It’s stimulating. Empowering. What’s wrong with a little worry, a little fear, a little doubt, a little fantasy, a little longing?

It’s no big deal.

Until we lose control. Until we realize that the thoughts we entertain in our mind separate us from a Holy God. Until we realize that the path our thoughts have led us down have led us away from truth.

Our thoughts seem harmless. But they’re not. Our thoughts are the first step down the path of destruction. God wants us to take our thoughts captive. He wants us to submit our minds to Him. Because left to my own devices my thoughts will lead me deeper and deeper into a trap of sin. But, if I submit my thoughts to Him, if I freely give Him control of my mind, He will lead me deeper and deeper into His arms of love.

Captive thoughts will make you free.

Rock Star

Friday night we hosted several artists for an incredible night of worship. We invited a few guests to join us for dinner and an opportunity to meet Todd Agnew. Our guests were so excited about getting to meet him. And while it was a great night, for those of us working the event, it wasn’t really a “big deal” getting to meet Todd. Spending time with recording artists is part of the job. Granted, it’s one of the cooler parts of the job. But after a while it can become routine, commonplace even. But… for fans who don’t get to spend their days interviewing artists and working back stage at concerts, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.

This morning driving in to work I was thinking about my relationship with God and started wondering if it’s become routine, commonplace, no big deal. The honest truth is… in many ways it has.

I’m used to Him. Used to hanging out with Him, talking to Him, reading about Him. I know all the stories written about Him. I’ve heard practically every sermon that can be preached about Him. I spend my days telling others about Him. And in the routine of following Christ, I’ve become numb to the wonder of who He really is.

Last Friday night people rearranged their schedules, took off work early, got babysitters, all so they could spend 30 minutes with a recording artist. Yet, almost every day, I hit the snooze button and fall back asleep instead of getting out of bed 30 minutes early to sit in the presence of the King of Kings. I rationalize my snooze button routine by saying; I’ll do it later. I’ll read my Bible at lunch. I’ll pray in the car. It’s no big deal.

It’s no big deal.

When did spending time with God become “no big deal”?

I wonder how God would feel if I treated Him like a Rock Star? If I was as in awe of Him as I am in awe of my favorite artists (yes… that would be Third Day!)? Trust me, if Mac Powell was coming to the studio you’d better believe I’d jump out of bed early!!

The truth is, it doesn’t matter if I ever meet Mac, or Todd, or ___________(fill in the blank of your favorite singer).

What does matter is if I meet Christ.

Here I Am

Have you ever felt lost?

Not the "maybe we should stop for directions" kind of lost. But the "I have no idea what to do" kind of lost?

Lately.... I've felt lost. Not overwhelmingly so. But enough to cause increased prayer & journaling.

You see, there are choices that need to be made. Things that need to be decided. New opportunities that I'm unsure of.

And so... I'm seeking. Looking. Waiting.

This weekend, in my wanderings, I stumbled upon a place. When I entered in I discovered that I was no longer lost. I knew exactly where I was. I knew exactly who I was.

It was wonderful. Glorious. Blissful. And for a moment... the veil of confusion was lifted.

I didn't find the answers to my questions. The questions simply left my mind. And for a moment I was lost in being found.

Where was I?

At His feet. Bowed in worship. Basking in His love.

For there, in His presence, nothing is lost.

The Red Pen

This is probably the scariest post I’ve ever written. I broke into a sweat the moment I approached the keyboard with the decision made to go down this path.

My friend Holley has challenged all of her blogging friends to a 21 day challenge of writing the rest of our stories with Jesus. Each day she posts about an area of our life to think about and meditate on, then she asks one or two questions of us. The answers to those questions will begin to map out the story of our lives. (If you’d like to join us on this journey you can do so here)

I avoided the challenge at first. But over some really good Mexican food I caved. It’s a lot easier to delete an email than to look a fellow traveler in the eyes and say no. (Thanks Holley!)

So here I am, 3 days into the challenge with a racing heart and sweaty palms.

Today Holley wrote:
As women, it seems we're standing ready with our red pens. Rather than loving words, we want to cross through parts of who we are and rewrite until we're someone else.

But God seems to like who He made us in the first place. He just wants us to be that woman for Him.

The goal isn't eliminating parts of who we are but rather letting God gently move us closer to the positive in our stories.

So why I am so scared? Because the part I want to edit I now need to face. All my life I feel as though I’ve been trying to run away from who I am. I try to hide, slip into the shadows, shrink down, and become small. But, God keeps pushing me into the spotlight and telling me to shine.

That is my greatest fear. My most difficult challenge.

On the wall beside me is a bulletin board filled with pictures, flyers, mementos, and such. And smack dab in the middle, on a tattered piece of paper sits this:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is out light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear our presence automatically liberates others.

It’s not that I don’t want to shine, I do. I want to do great things for God. I want to be a light. But… what if I fail? What if I let you down? What if I mess up? What if, after you see me, you reject me?

It’s a lot easier to hide our shortcomings in the shadows than the spotlight. It’s a lot easier to appear to have it all together when viewed from afar than up close. It’s a lot more comfortable to work out your “stuff” alone with God that to confess it to the world.

If I could pick up the red pen and re-write my life I’d edit out the spotlight. I’d step into the shadows, where it’s safe.

The only problem with that is that God has not called us to a life of safety. He’s called us to a life of obedience.

So today, instead of running, I choose instead to release my grip upon the pen… to allow His gentle hands to take it from me… to give Him the right to edit my life.

Is it OK that I am still afraid?

Beautiful

When we think of beauty we usually think of sunsets, butterflies, flowers. Sometimes it’s a sleeping baby, or the steady gaze from your true loves eyes.

Rarely do we think of sickness, disease, destruction, and death. But in the midst of the ugliest parts of life there is a deep beauty that often takes us by surprise.

This week has been filled with the hope of the gospel. And it’s beautiful. Breathtaking.

It’s in the face of a smiling child, rescued from poverty. No longer an orphan.

It’s in the touch of a loving husband whose marriage is restored. No longer living a lie.

It’s in the eyes of a peaceful mom, whose abortion led to her salvation. No longer living in shame.

Over and over again, beauty cries out to us amidst the ashes. Death bringing forth life. Light breaking through the darkness. Joy birthed in sorrow.

And this is the hope of the gospel.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has

anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent

me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the

captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to comfort

all who mourn, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.” Isa. 61

Louis has a new home... and so do I.

It's 5 o'clock on Thursday and I just received an update that my friends, the Tugwell's, are on their way home with Louis. (If you haven't heard their story you can get caught up here)

This morning Lori & Noel stood on American soil, surrounded by beauty and safety and all the comforts this great Nation contains. But they, without hesitation, hopped on a plane and traveled to a land overcome with destruction and despair. They traveled through wreckage and faced danger all so they could hold their son in their arms.

As I type these words Louis is safe on a plane, flying to his new home. No longer a citizen of Haiti, but of America. All because he was loved, he was wanted, he was pursued.

I can't help but think of another Father who choose to leave the land of His citizenship and travel to a depraved world to rescue another child. That child was me. And like Louis, I will wait here in this orphanage called life until He comes to bring me home.

Today I saw the miracle of adoption.

And it made me long for Home.

The Need is Not the Call

Lately I keep hearing a phrase “the need is the call” but I disagree.

I think that believing that the need is the call is what gets us trapped in positions that suck the life out of us and rob us of the joy of serving Christ.

The call should birth joy, excitement, passion, and zeal. Not obligation, exhaustion, and frustration. So many times we say yes to a need when we’re really not called to meet that need.

For example… the church nursery needs help, they are desperate, and they’ll put anyone in there. You break out in hives every time you’re around a crying baby. But you feel bad, they need help. So you say yes.

Should we serve? Absolutely. Should we be sensitive to the needs around us? Of course. The danger is in thinking that we are the answer to every need. We aren’t. I believe that we are the answer to one, maybe two, very specific needs. And when we figure out what the need is that God has called us to answer… (cue angels singing the hallelujah course here).

Believing that “the need is the call” says that we don’t trust that God is big enough to bring the right person at the right time to meet that need.

Believing that the call is the call aligns us to fulfill God’s purposes in ways that are so much bigger than we are.

We say yes to the need out of guilt. We say yes to the call out of love.

The need is great, but the call is sovereign. Pray about the need, fulfill the call. Chase God, pursue the Holy Spirits leading. And watch with wonder what God will do.

Suffering...

One of my favorite lines from the Star Wars movies is when Yoda says to Anakin “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering”.

I’m not sure how theologically sound that is, but I still get a chill every time I see Yoda’s gnarled green finger pointing at Anakin as he says those words. I think the thrill comes from knowing what the future holds for Anakin. Yoda’s words to him are prophetic. And Anakin’s fear leads him down a path of destruction. But it’s all OK, because just a few episodes later Luke will arrive on the scene and restore order to the Galaxy.

Ah… The magic of Star Wars.

If only real life was that simple.

Suffering is great, as a plot to a movie. But in reality… suffering is… well, painful. The scary thing is, the more I read God’s Word the more I realize that suffering is not only unavoidable, it’s to be expected. In fact, God says that unless we share in suffering we cannot share in His glory (Rom. 8:17).

Knowing that suffering is unavoidable doesn’t make it any easier to handle. When we turn on the news and see the devastation of earthquakes and famine. When we answer the phone and hear about a husband who’s decided he doesn’t feel like being married anymore. When the report says cancer. When the letter says foreclosure. When suffering comes we cry out… WHY?

Why would God allow this to happen?

The truth of the matter is, it’s me that allows it to happen. My sin. My depravity. My rebellion. I am the catalyst of suffering in this world. Were it not for sin, we would still live in the perfection of Eden. And we can blame it on Adam all we want, but in the end I’m responsible too.

Here’s the good news. The suffering of this world is not the suffering of one without hope. It is the suffering of one who will soon give birth. Our groanings and trials will lead to new life. The earth’s labor pains cry out to us, “This is temporary! There is more to come! There is a New Heaven and a New Earth. One day God will again dwell with man!”

That is our hope. It is our future. A future without pain, or tears, or suffering. A future with no orphans, or widows. The question is… are our hearts wrapped up in eager expectation of that future hope, or are we obsessed with fretting over our current sufferings?

I thnk I need a change of heart…