The Wife's Guide to Understanding Fantasy Football

Step 1: Research

Before embarking upon the actual process of Fantasy Football there must be a period of research. This is similar to examination of the Fall Fashion edition of InStyle magazine. Before shopping for fall clothing it is important to know the most recent trends, styles, and hot colors for the upcoming season. In the same way extensive research must be made to determine who the hottest players are in the NFL and who is predicted to continue to be “hot” and who might possibly make it to the “consignment store” (otherwise known as second string).

Step 2: Draft

Drafting the perfect Fantasy Football team is like assembling the perfect outfit.

Quarterback—perfect jeans from the Gap

Wide Receiver—perfect handbag from Masons

Running back— perfect Jacket from Ann Taylor

Lineman—perfect tank from Old Navy

Tight end—perfect top from Khols

Kicker— perfect shoes from Bakers

Defense—perfect collection of accessories from Claries

Even though each individual item was purchased at a different store they now make up one complete outfit. In the same way, each player is drafted from a different team and now makes up one complete Fantasy Team.

Step 3: Compete

This is most comparable to a social function where women are put in close proximity with one another to compare their individual “perfect outfits”. Examples of this behavior may include:

Hey Susie! Love the earrings!

Thanks Becky, picked them up on clearance for $9.95 By the way those shoes are adorable.

You like? Got them in a BOGO sale!

In this instance clearly Susie has “won” the accessories category and scored points, while Becky won the shoe competition. After analyzing each part of individual outfits, the one with the most points wins. In the same way, when two Fantasy Teams compete against each other each individual member of the team can score “points” for their team. Ultimately, the team whose members contribute the most points wins that week.

Step 4: Declaring a Winner

The competition described in Step 3 continues each week and win/loss records are kept for each outfit/team. At the end of a prescribed length of time the highest scoring outfits/teams are matched against each other in the Playoffs. Play continues until an ultimate Champion Outfit/Team is declared.

Special circumstances:

Injury Reserved: this would be comparable to the hem coming out of your perfect black pants.
Injury- Out for Season: this would be comparable to spilling a bottle of bleach on your perfect black pants.

Illegal Roster: this would be comparable to showing up at the most important event of the season wearing the same outfit as someone else.